Surviving a Trump Presidency: The essential guide to being ‘Trump-ready’

They said it would never happen. From comedians to serious commentators, Donald Trump may have been leading in the polls – but when it came down to it, they said that the American people wouldn’t actually vote for him. But that was 2015, and following some actual real voting over the last month, the narrative has now shifted from ‘they aren’t going to elect him‘ to ‘Can Donald Trump be stopped?‘.

As Super Tuesday dawns in the USA, a day which is likely to all but clinch the Republican Presidential nomination for Donald Trump,  it’s time for us to face the somewhat concerning fact that unless there’s a drastic shift in sentiment, it is arguably now more likely than not, that Donald Trump will be elected President of the United States of America later this year. In the words of comedian John Oliver:

“Donald Trump is America’s embarrassing back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s gotten frighteningly bigger, it is no longer wise to ignore it.”

It would be great if this didn’t impact the rest of the world – if we could just leave the Americans to it. Every country elects an embarrassing head of state from time-to-time after all – as Australia knows only too well.  But the saying “America sneezes and the rest of the world catches a cold” is a saying for a reason. Although China recently claimed the title of “world’s largest economy“, the US is still the world’s second largest economy, and when their economy tanks, we all suffer. Further, with what could very well be the world’s largest stock-pile of weapons of mass destruction, the US can have a major impact on world peace – or a lack thereof.

The good news is that we still have time to prepare. To get you started, I’ve prepared this handy ‘Guide to surviving a Trump Presidency’ – a checklist for the rest of the world to use.  It won’t be easy – but if we take action now, we may have some chance of limiting the damage.

Your Guide to surviving a Trump Presidency

1. Beef up your border security to keep ‘Trump-Dodgers’ out

Over the years, Trump appears to have worked hard to offend as many segments of the American population as he can:

UnitedStatesofTrump2That seems to leave only white Christian males who weren’t POWs. No wonder the Ku Klux Klan recently came out in support of Trump.

That’s a  lot of American citizens left disenfranchised. When you also factor in Trump’s call to Americans to boycott one of their main sources of caffeinated beverages – Starbucks – there could be a lot of disgruntled Americans from early next year, looking to escape…

To protect your country against an influx of ‘Trump-dodgers’ from the U.S.A., you should review you border security to ensure it can cope with a mass exodus of American citizens seeking refuge. If you share a land-border with the US – Canada and Mexico, we’re talking to you – you’ll need to take extra precautions.

Canada has already started talking about building the ‘Great Wall of Canada’ for just this very purpose. Mexico should strongly consider following suit. The rest of us are protected by oceans, but should still look at beefing up border-security measures – just in case.

2. Stock up on gold bullion now*

Trump is obsessed with gold. He likes to sit on it, eat off it, put flowers in it, even wash himself in it. His houses and apartments are filled with gold – from cups, plates, lamps, vases right through to actual gold thrones for he, his wife and his youngest son to sit on. The same is true of his personal jet – where he even has gold fittings in the bathroom.


The White House becomes the Gold House

If Trump becomes president, it stands to reason he will want to decorate his latest possession – the United States of America – in a similar fashion. The White House could become the Gold House. The Statue of Liberty could get a shiny new gleam. The Golden Gate Bridge could become even more Golden.

However Trump decides to put his gold stamp on America, there could very well be a rush on gold supplies – so consider stocking up on gold bullion now*.

3. Evacuate low-lying property and install good air-conditioning

According to Trump, global warming:

 “was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.

Yup – in many ways Donald Trump is another Tony Abbott – but with the power to do damage on a far grander scale.

A Donald Trump presidency could see a rolling back of Obama’s policies that have aimed to reduce carbon emission to help protect the world from out-of-control global warming.  Since the U.S.A is the second largest emitter of carbons globally, a Trump presidency could potentially speed up global warming and its flow-on effects – such as rising sea-levels and extreme weather events.

Countries should therefore consider bringing forward any plans you have to evacuate low-lying land (that will be impacted by rising sea-levels) as well as looking at installing air-conditioners to combat the impact of increasing temperatures.

4. Create your very own Trumpville

TrumpvilleAccording to a number of mental health professionals – including Harvard Professor Howard Gardener – Donald Trump is a textbook narcissist. This is relevant for the rest of the world because based on previous world leaders with this disorder – the likes of Stalin, Hitler and Sadam Hussein – a narcissistic leader:

Further, Trump is hardly the most popular Presidential candidate outside the US. The British Parliament recently spent three hours debating whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK following his ‘hate speech’ against Muslims. Despite calling him a “fool” and a “buffoon” they decided not to ban him – not because they are happy to allow him into the country, but because of the importance of freedom of speech.

In regards to the Middle East, Trump’s  tactic appears to be to ‘screw‘ them over and “bomb the hell out of” them. Continuing on to Asia, and Trump has already made it clear that he wants to go head-to-head with China saying “I beat China all the time” – and claiming that as President he will take back ‘money’ and ‘jobs’ from  China.

If Trump does become president, he will literally be Commander in Chief of the largest military in the world with what could be the world’s largest supply of Weapon’s of Mass Destruction, not to mention the army of unmanned militarised drones at his disposal. Further, one of his policy platforms is to make the U.S. Military even stronger, despite the fact the US already spends nearly four times more than any other country on defense.

The safest way to survive a Trump presidency is to pander to his weak-spot – his sense of self-importance, his ego. Countries should consider naming a town after him. It doesn’t have to actually exist. Just pop-up a sign with ‘Trumpville’ or ‘Trump town’ on it in the middle of nowhere, add it to a few maps and tell him it’s the best location in the country. Hopefully this will be enough to soothe the narcissistic beast, and get him to keep his trigger-happy “you’re-fired” finger off the red nuke button. As a confirmed germaphobe, Trump is unlikely to want to visit Trumpville – but if he does, just tell him that half the town has a deadly newly form of flu virus, and he’ll steer clear.

5. Consider getting a bullet-proof vest if travelling to the US

With an average of more than one mass murder per week in the U.S and a rate of gun-deaths per capita beaten only by the likes of Uganda and Colombia, travellers to the U.S. are already at a far greater risk of death by firearm than if they were travelling to countries like the U.K., Canada, France, New Zealand  or other countries shown in the graph below:


Firearm homicides per 100,000 head of population (2013) . Source: Global Burden of Disease Study

Rather than looking at how he can introduce tighter controls on the use of guns in the U.S. however, Trump has stated that he believes the answer to America’s Firearm Homicide rate is for more people in the US to own guns. Following a mass shooting at a Community College in October 2015, Trump even said “If you had more guns, you’d have more protection because the right people would have the guns“.

Given that America has by far the highest rate of civilian gun ownership of any country in the world – some 88.8 guns for each 100 citizens – you have to wonder exactly how many guns Trump thinks it will take to solve the problem.

Either way, if you are planning to travel to the U.S. after Trump becomes president, you may wish to pack a bullet-proof vest with you, just in case!

Final words of advice

If Donald Trump does become President of the United States, it will have a very real impact on the rest of the world – and it’s hard to see how that impact would be good.

Trump’s popularity would appear to be driven by the promises he’s making – to bring jobs back to America, to cut taxes, improve education and healthcare, and to end war once and for all by being bigger and tougher and bombier than anyone ever has been before. There’s nothing new about these promises – they are the typical things politicians promise to get elected. But just like other politicians before him, Trump’s promises – which suggest much higher levels of spending while at the same time dropping taxes – don’t appear to add up.

However, because many people see Trump as a successful businessman – rather than a politician – they seem to believe his promise to ‘Make America Great again’. In the words of one Trump supporter on Last Week Tonight yesterday:

“If [Trump] runs the country like he runs his organisation, we will be in good shape.”

Never mind that Trump actually inherited millions of dollars and that four of his companies have declared bankruptcy, or that independent Pulitzer-prize-winning website Politifact have checked 77 of his election statements and assessed 76% of them as being at best partially false and at worst ‘pants on fire’ lies. Enough of the American people are buying Trump’s spin that there is a very strong chance that he will be the Republican Presidential candidate, and then be elected President.

Trump has also been successful at using another common political ploy – appealing to a particular subset of the population who think that their lot in life would be better if only [insert name of group] were not there. Throughout history this ploy has been used against various groups – from the Jews, the Irish, the Chinese – and Trump is doing the same thing today, only against Muslims, Mexicans and others. And throughout history – this ploy has never ended well.

If Donald Trump does become President of the U.S.A. – and all hope is not yet lost – but if he does succeed in November this year, batten down the hatches, because no matter where you live, it’s going to be a rough four years for planet Earth. Here’s hoping we all make it through in one piece.

(*Not real investment advice – follow at your own peril!)







  • When I was a kid, “trump” was the family euphemism for fart. As in my mother’s frequent inquiry “Did you just trump?”. Every time I see the imbecile on TV I think of this and laugh out loud. It may not help in the long run, but it does temporarily divert the mind away from thoughts of a Trump-induced Armageddon. Well, a bit.

    By the way, Tony Abbott wasn’t head of state. We get our head of state foisted upon us from the other side of the world, which is pretty embarrassing also. But I know what you mean.

    Liked by 1 person

  • ‘Baton’ changed to ‘batten’. Thanks for the headsup folks 🙂


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