Dutton or Dudster? Here’s a quick guide to the many personas of Australia’s wannabe PM.

Australia’s political throne has a new contender – one Mr Peter Dutton. But if you’re one of those mumbling “Peter who?” – you’re not alone.

As a contender for both Most Boring and Most Offensive MP in Australian Parliament, when Peter Dutton does stand in front of a camera, many people either find their eyes glazing over or their noses scrunching up in disgust without actually taking in a lot of what he is saying.

So here’s a quick guide to the many different personas of Australia’s chief contender for the PM’s throne…

PDuddyPDuddy – the Dudster

In 2015, PDuddy proved that his ‘Dudster’ name is well earned when Australian doctors voted him the worst Health Minister in living memory.

Clearly pleased with PDuddy’s ability to outdud all that had come before him, then-Prime-Minister Tony Abbott moved him to Immigration and Border Protection in late 2014. It wasn’t long before the Dudster proved that it isn’t only in Health that he is capable of undershining all others.

In fact, since taking over this portfolio, Dutton appears to have struggled with understanding what seem to be fairly fundamental concepts – things like:

  1. Where Australia’s borders are
    Being an island, you’d think that border identification would be an easy task. However, in late 2015, PDuddy’s Borderforce famously announced they were going to check people’s visas by randomly roaming the streets of Melbourne.
  2. What is and isn’t illegal
    Having started life as a policeman, you’d hope PDuddy had received training in identifying what is and isn’t illegal. But after four years in his role, he still refers to asylum seekers as ‘illegal immigrants,’ even though there is nothing illegal about seeking asylum in Australia – no matter how you get here.
  3. When someone is or isn’t employed
    This would seem to be an important thing for the man in charge of Australia’s Work Visas to grasp. But in an interview last year, PDuddy argued that refugees shouldn’t be allowed to come here because they would both take Australian jobs AND languish in unemployment queues.

PDiddumsPDiddums – the sensitive petal

Despite being happy to dish it out – once calling a female journalist a ‘mad f*ing witch’ and telling CEO’s like Alan Joyce to ‘stick to their knitting’ – when it comes to being on the receiving end of anything negative, Dutton is clearly a bit of a sensitive petal.

Over the past few years, PDiddums has claimed to have been:

Despite his sensitive nature, PDiddums does try to put on a brave face – regularly claiming to be the man on Australia’s borders ‘staring down’ the terrorist threats that face our nation. However given PDiddum’s inability to cope with remonstrations from the world’s largest peace-keeping force and the fact that he considers articles by Fairfax to be the equivalent of a murderous jihad – it’s hard to imagine him staring down a group of marauding kittens, let alone terrorists.

PDaddyPDaddy – the big spender   

The LNP’s we-have-to-live-within-our-means and it’s-the-end-of-the-age-of-entitlement mantras apparently haven’t reached PDaddy’s sensitive ears. Indeed, he and his department appear to throw money around as though they were in charge of organising Bronwyn Bishop’s travel arrangements.

In fact, while the rest of government is busy cutting pensions and freezing Medicare, PDaddy’s department is spending up big, splashing out on:

And it’s not just at work that PDaddy likes to flash the dosh around. A few years ago, he spent over $2.3 Million on a waterside mansion so that he could take what he evidently believes is his rightful place on Queensland’s ‘Millionaire’s Row.’

Then there’s the $5.6 million in public funding received by a childcare company operated by PDaddy’s family trust recently – and it’s not hard to see where PDaddy got his name.

PDouchebagPDouchebag – the dick move meister

Peter Dutton may not be good at taking criticism – but there’s one thing he is an expert at, and that’s dick moves. In fact, Peter Dutton’s douchery skill levels are so great, that he could give Donald Trump – who, let’s face it, is probably PDouchebag’s hero – a run for his money.

Here are some highlights from PDouchebag’s time in parliament:

Clearly being a douchebag is one skill that Peter Dutton is not a dud at.

PotatoDPotatoD – you’ll never look at a potato the same way again

No review of the Dudster would be complete without looking at his uncanny resemblance to the simple potato.

In fact, if you search for images of someone, Google helpfully suggests the most popular categories of images other people have been interested in. For PotatoD this includes things like ‘wife,’ ‘young’ and of course, ‘potato’.

PDividerPDivider

It used to be that a country’s leader saw themselves as leading the whole country – and not just those who support them. But in the spirit of another toddleresque world leader – Donald J Trump – PDivider has already made it very clear that those whose views are not aligned with his are “dead to him”. In fact, he literally referred to those who lean to the left as “crazy” and said, “They don’t realise how completely dead they are to me.”

So if you lean left – the Dudster has disowned you, so feel free to do likewise.

PDictatorStill to come: PDictator?

When you consider the many faces of Peter Dutton, you have to admit that this man is indeed versatile. Now that the party that brought us onion-eating carbon-tax hating Tony Abbott is considering making Peter Dutton it’s King – which version of the Dudster will we see? One of his existing personas?

Or will a new Dutton emerge? PDictator perhaps? I guess we’ll have to wait and see…

 

 

Advertisements

3 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s